A Travellerspoint blog

My Side

My dear Bhai,

It has been one long day and I am tired as a dog. There are things I should tell you now. Maybe I'll feel better and maybe you'll lose some sleep. I simply need to vent out my feelings, have bottled up myself for too long. Honesty is the best policy, remember our Moral Science classes? Oh My Gosh! I still exclaim now at the very thought of the subject. I cannot vouch for you but I personally felt it was an overdose of the omnipresent, the conscience and the truth. Today as I sit down to write to you, I pray and hope I'll be honest enough. Being honest is not a child's play; even if it means being honest to oneself. O.K. let me give myself the benefit of doubt and rephrase honesty - let me confess!

Sapna delivered a cute little baby girl today afternoon. I was at the nursing home with Sanjeev all throughout. It was amazing to watch Sanjeev. His expressions changed with every second passing by. A would be father that he was, he was an assortment of every possible emotions -excitement, fear, worry, edginess, anxiety, impatience and hope.

"Its worse than waiting for the Board Results!", he said to me.

Board results. It automatically connected me with you Bhai. Suddenly I realized that you are the only one with whom I’ve remained bonded since school. It was after Boards, we decided to part ways “ to find greener pastures. Do you recall those hostel days, when we shared every possible thing under the sun? The pickles, biscuits and cakes which came from home, notes and text books, tee shirts and jackets and at High School we shared cigarettes also! I even remember sharing your toothbrush once! I know it gives the jitters now but I guess that's precisely why we have been Bhaito each other than best friends.

When the nurse came out of the O.T. to break the news of the newborn, the happiness, the satisfaction and the pride was far much greater than what Sanjeev might have felt when his Board Results were out! "The mother and the baby are doing fine" the nurse informed us. We were allowed to visit Sapna, once she was shifted to her room.

Sapna looked calm and peaceful in her slumber. Somehow she looked more ravishing now. There was newness in her face. Her skin glowed as the afternoon sunrays fell on her tenderly from the venetian blinds. Sanjeev was right next to her, caressing her forehead softly. I left them in their own seclusion and came out of the nursing home. An uneasy feeling crept inside me. I searched my pockets for the cigarettes and the lighter. I lit one and took a heavy drag. It felt fine. I decided to have a cup of tea too from the nearby tea stall. Nicotine and caffeine does wonders to tired nerves, you do agree with me Bhai, don't you?

I met the couple “ Sapna & Sanjeev some three years ago when my work brought me to this sleepy town down south in Kottayam. Our friendship clicked right from the very start. My house is just two houses away from theirs. I bumped into them one evening when Sanjeev was changing the flat tyre of their car right in front of my gate. I had just returned from work and the first thing I noticed was Sapna looking absent-mindedly towards the old banyan tree.
'Look at the bark of the tree. Doesn't it resemble an old lady with a wrinkled skin!", she exclaimed. "Sorry Sanjeev, that was rather a poor joke!" Sanjeev winked his eyes and nodded saying nothing. He was engrossed adjusting the jack. It was then I went forward and lent Sanjeev a helping hand. By the time the car was ready we really got talking. I invited them to my place, Sanjeev to wash his hands. That's how our friendship started.

But Sapna, she was and will always be a cute little thing to me. She is so child like, shy, nervous, reluctant and yet needy. Sapna “ the woman I have always dreamt of"! We never spoke much. Or maybe I talk less. Or maybe I could read her mind by looking at those expressive eyes. Or maybe I simply loved listening to her. She is an amazing woman.

Let me tell you this incident Bhai. It was one of those Sunday summer afternoons when Sanjeev and I decided to chill out with a beer each before the lunch. Sanjeev asked me to get the bottles from the fridge. As I entered the kitchen, Sapna was busy cooking. I said nothing and headed straight for the fridge. She turned around when she sensed there was someone else besides her in the kitchen. She saw me and heaved and before she could say anything I cut her short. "So you got scared, huh?" She looked at me for a moment, trying to study me and said, "No, I wasn't. There are only two things I am scared of. Reptiles and ghosts", she again looked at me closely, "and you resemble none!" I knew she would come up with something as weird as this. She was as passionate about nature and the homeless the way she was about tattoos and bungee jumping. These are perhaps a few things, which brought me closer to her. No matter how hard I tried to erase, her thoughts kept hitting me on my mind. The more I tried to refrain my feelings the more difficult it felt.

I was in love with her and I couldn't help myself. I was walking on the razor's edge and it was difficult to hold on to the reins. And I couldn't betray the trust and faith Sanjeev bestowed upon me. He was a buddy and I know what a buddy means and I swear on my life I wasn't eyeing my buddy's wife. I started distancing myself. I gave professional excuses to be away from them. Sanjeev would never accept these excuses and would off and on say that he wanted his old buddy back; the same old chap who helped him in changing the flat tyre. I never thought love came with such complications. I loved Sapna. Couldn't it sound simple? Couldn't it feel easy? Hell! No it wouldn't. My love and respect for her wasn't an attraction, a lust, a carnal desire or a lure. It was LOVE “ undiluted and pure". But could anybody understand? For it would be Sapna at the receiving end of all the unpleasant and derogatory remarks. For the woman of my dreams was already married. The standards and norms that we set and use as benchmarks for ourselves make us nothing but civilized beasts.

Sapna somehow sensed it. I am sure Bhai, for it always takes two to tango. Somewhere in some corner of her heart she felt the same, the way I did. But I never took it as a healthy sign. For a change I asked my God, not to be generous and kind to me. But Bhai, there has been times and instances when I've put my head and heart on the balance and found my heart on the heavier side. And that's when I slipped. I couldn't hold on to the reins at all. And it didn't matter whether it was right or wrong. It didn't matter if the sun didn't shine the next morning. All that mattered was the moment; it was real; “ the moment when she was lying close to me; the moment when I felt her warm breath on my skin; the moment when our heartbeats were synchronized. The truth.

My love and respect for Sapna is all the same. I can still look straight into her eyes the way I do always. How I wish things were as easy as said!

The cell phone rang and it was Sanjeev. "Where have you been?"he asked.
"I am outside, came down for a smoke. Will be there soon.", I said. I took out some change to pay for my tea “ I drank four cups! Amazing!

As I entered the room I saw the newborn on a cradle next to Sapna's bed. Sapna was still asleep. The tranquilizers were still going strong on her. I carefully lifted the baby in my arms. The baby felt like her mother. Maybe I was holding a part of my flesh; a part of my blood; a part of my love and a part of me. I don't know. I don't want to either. And the baby is too small to bear any or explain her resemblance.

It's only a feeling. Not a guilty one though.

Bhai, I don't want you to curse me. I wanted to confess and that's what I did. And now I know for sure, being honest is not at all a child's play.

Lovingly yours,
Bhai.

Posted by incommunicado 04:18 Archived in India Tagged me people Comments (0)

www .... when world wide web becomes what went wrong!

The internet is like a pandora's box.... I have been hooked to the www for such a long time now. I think it was during my Post Graduation days about fifteen years ago when I stumbled upon this amazing medium. My first e-mail i.d was with usa.net. A friend of mine had created it and we would exchange mails when sitting across the small cubicles of a cyber cafe. Browsing internet was a highly premium then. They used to charge fifty bucks for browsing only for thirty minutes.

I never have had too much of bad or sour experience with this medium....
To come to think of it.... I logged into this site in the year 2005... which is close to nine years now. The best thing about this medium was the ability to keep myself anonymous and yet be able to express things freely. We live in a society full of fucktards and hypocrites. My blogs had my name to it and then I realized there were my annoying and nosy relatives reading all this and whenever I'd bump them at social gatherings all they had to say was about what I wrote. They never appreciated about my writing but wanted the gory details.
So I changed my url altogether with an abstract "incommunicado" as my name.... and it suits me well too!

From paying fifty back for half an hour to accessing internet on a phone, we surely have come a long long way I must say.

Two weeks ago I installed a free video calling app in my phone so that I could cut on my outgoing voice and video calls to my husband. Currently we are in a long distance relationship because of occupational hazards.

And someone pinged me out of the blue. A total stranger. I was just trying to get used to this newly installed app and much later I realized my location was "on" and so people who had the same app installed could look up in the '"people nearby" section. So this guy sent me a "hello".... and because I was so much into R&D of the new app, it took a while for me to see the messages as well.
I looked in to the photograph and when my mind said "he looked decent enough to hello him back", I did exactly that.

The first few exchanges were interesting and three days later I found myself actually looking forward to strike up a conversation with this total brand new stranger.

Soon we moved to a more comfortable Whatsapp.

But now that two weeks have passed I have a different opinion about him altogether. No... I do not mean bad. People cannot be tailor made as per our liking but nevertheless I get negative vibes from the man in question.

He is actually getting a bit annoying now. He should realize we have just met on the internet and there are things I am not comfortable sharing with him. He cannot trespass and try and get too close to me. It sucks! It really does.
I have made him understand that. I am a very "right on your face" person. I told him the things which I do not appreciate. But either he is a total nincompoop or a dimwit to have not understood. Not that I used very tough language.... "I sleep early because I am an early riser". Is that so difficult to understand?
On a weekend we did chat till 1:00 am in the morning. But that does not mean its going to be like this everyday.

All I want to tell him now is -Dear Mr. Stranger pal... please do not assume I am your girlfriend or your lover. We met on the internet and that's it. Please do not expect me to be sticking on to my phone messaging you every minute, sharing every detail... what I ate for lunch, which programme am I watching on television, what did my daughter take in her lunch box to school, what is the colour of my underwear.... you know this is hugely claustrophobic and I am in need of some fresh air.

Mr. Starnger... you need to get a life on your own. You cannot trip on looking at my weekend with friends album in Facebook.
I assume you are a total loser. Am I being blunt? Oh yes! You can bet your fat ass on that.
You said I have a very interesting life, yes I do because I try to live my life to the fullest and try and do as much things as possible. I don't want to die with any regrets. And yes... I am very disciplined. I have a time table and function that way.
But what about you... all I could gather is you have a nine to five job which you always extend to eight. You do not talk to your wife. You sleep in separate rooms too. You have no friends. You do not make an effort to reach out to people. You have not taken a vacation for ages and regard your official trips as "I love travelling to new places".
But most importantly you have a huge complex with your name. Is it because your name is feminine and you are not? Please try and understand many Indian names are unisex. For example Krishna is a name for men and women. Then again there is Pushpa... it can be named to either sexes. When your parents kept your name they had done it with good intention I am sure.
Mr. Stranger.... I am not a pretender.... I do not have complexes .... I am in love with myself and hence I am usually happy.
Please try and get a life and maybe after that I will decide if I still want to communicate with you...
So long... you are blocked... restricted...rejected...
Thank God for small mercies and smart phones!

Posted by incommunicado 21:13 Archived in India Tagged me people night Comments (0)

And the Monk talked

Conversations!

He: I have a huge hang over...
Me: Wowie! Cool!
He: Nooooooo...this is bad!
Me: Pop some dispirns or make some lemon juice and eat a huge breakker
He: I can't hardly get out of the bed.
Me: How many did you drink?
He: Five long islands and a couple of bacardis later.
Me: Now you are talking!!!!!

Couple of hours later:
Me: (Taking a pic of the mushrooms I just cooked and sending it across to him) - My lunch looks like this.
He: I love mushrooms
Me: I love mushrooms too...
He: I love you
Me: I love you more than mushrooms...
He: Cook for me
Me: Come and stay with me.
He: Will do

Posted by incommunicado 06:27 Archived in India Tagged me people Comments (0)

A Brand New Year!

Happy 2014 world!

I have been just plain lazy to sit and write. There were thoughts - thousands of them and I knew I had to get them out into words and make sentences but then it just did not happen.

So on the last day of the year I put a "public" update on Facebook and sent all my best wishes and also added ..."And tonight party like nobody's business... shake a leg... sing a song... eat without worrying (all the ones who goes veggie on Tuesdays)... drink a good scotch... and find someone responsible to drive you back home!!! "

A friend who knows me to be a party animal of sorts joked as asked me, "So tell me Nan... who is dropping you home tonight?"

Dropping me home!? Hello! Listen... I've been home on New Year's Eve for the last six years. I think I overdid that "party" bit and now I enjoy my aloneness more than music blaring from huge sound systems... people spilling their drinks in their expensive dresses and talking insanely.

Yes... I still love my Teachers 50. I like to have a decent and interesting conversation one on one as Floyd or The Doors plays on. At times I also enjoy Dualist Inquiry or maybe Ministry of Sound. Eating some coleslaw and grilled chicken too. But going out and partying is not me anymore.

While browsing my Facebook homepage yesterday evening and today morning as I was sipping tea I saw all and sundry (sundry is the category where I add a friend's wife I am very formal with... or maybe an ex-colleague's hot and happening sister etc all... basically the wannabes and the ones who try too hard to prove something which I have not been able to figure out so far!).

Oh man! Of all the things long and short - the LBD (Little Black Dress) sure takes the cake. Women of all sizes can wear it and can not go wrong but then again you must understand and realize the cut which suits your body type. There where the error is.

Then I see this girl call Al... She wore a LRD (Little Red Dress)... full of glitters with a plunging neck line and a pair of matching calf length red boots.
But dear Al... why wear a high neck navy blue inner under that LRD? When you were posing for the pictures where you so desperately wanted to look a stunner why were you looking so nervous? And if you want me to be fake a put a "like" on those three photographs you posted, you are wrong. You do not know me. I'd appreciate the woman standing next to you who looked very graceful and elegant in a silk saree holding a glass of unfinished scotch. Well who??? Oh! You did not notice her. I know she was not with you neither was your companion. She just happened to get photographed along with you and sad that you did not crop the photograph... see this mysterious woman just stole all the attention you were so badly craving for!

And then there is this Miss Socialite. Let her call S. She flew some thousand air miles to party. And today morning Miss S posted her photographs. Miss S looks all the same. Whether she is wearing a LBD or a bikini. She never smiles because she confesses that her set of teeth is very ugly! She has one shade of lip colour she wears it everywhere. No Miss S. I am not putting a "like" or commenting anything on your pictures. Please! Show me something new and then maybe I will too comment something which I genuinely feel for you!

Wasn't that a whole lot of bitching I did?

On a personal note 2013 has been not too bad for me. Met some good people and met some equally bad people - the bastards.

The bastards - I can write about them later... but the ones with whom I bonded are the ones I know I still long to see and I know they will be with me for years to come.

I also realized that keeping my head firmly above my heart is the best way to deal with relationships.

I achieved my fitness goal - I could fit in to my old pair of denims effortlessly. That was my "agenda" when 2013 had begun. I had put on a lot of weight and I looked ugly. I knew I had to do something about it at the earliest. And one fine day I started Yoga. And it was no looking back from there on.
I am now two size smaller, weighing fifteen kilos lesser and more confident!

And that Arnab Goswami on Times Now is not that bad after all.

And yes now that I have graduated from rum to whiskey I can say for sure... if you enjoy your whiskey and drink slowly you won't get a hangover next morning.

Posted by incommunicado 18:57 Archived in India Tagged me people parties Comments (0)

A confused Viper!

Its been a while that I spoke to my Wolverine.
We both are Aquarians. But my Wolverine man is much more mature and level headed than me.
He knows where to draw the line.
Unlike the Viper... who does not know how to pretend... to put on a mask ... or lead a dual life.
No! No! No! Viper is not blaming Wolverine. She never will.
Just that she misses talking to him... forget being with him!
Viper believes in one thing and it goes like this - everything happens for a reason and for the good.
So though it was a bit achy- breaky she still took in on her stride when she was not speaking to Wolverine...
And it was three days ago when the phone beeped... Viper was feeling quite dull. Watching television seemed cumbersome and sleep was not coming either.
Off course it was him without any doubt and quite unexpected as well.
"Hey!". she said.
"Viper.... how have you been?" asked the Wolverine.
"I am good. Things are going on. How come you're calling at this hour when I know you sleep early" she asked.
"sssshhhhhh..... you need not know me so well Viper... I slept early and then something happened and I woke up", he said.
"What?", asked Viper.
"You were in my dreams Viper, I felt so awake and it felt so real.... I had to call to call you and hear your voice at least", he said.
Viper did not know what to say.
"When do I see you next Viper?" he continued.

And for the next fifty three minutes they spoke....

Of all the things long and short Viper is in love with her Wolverine.... MADLY....

She still is in doubt what her Wolverine feels about her. At times she is convinced that he too loves her as much as she does... and at times she feels that annoying distance when they talk.

The next meeting may have some answers.

And that is precisely in a week's time....

Posted by incommunicado 10:48 Archived in India Tagged me sunsets_and_sunrises mountains people Comments (0)

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