As I begin to write this I wonder what if the woman was me? What if the man in question was someone I loved, if not for entirety then at least for six month or maybe a month or a week or just twenty four hours? As long as it lasted?
NOTES TO SELF : BY ISIS
I have known Adonis for a very long time. For the last twelve years he has been around... on and off... in and out... on the outer periphery of my huge gang of mad friends. I usually do not form opinions about people. Adonis was the last one I needed to have an opinion.
I do not recall when was the first time I met him. It was a random meeting during one of the weekends. That was so long ago.
So there he was - Adonis. In a pair of light blue Levi's and crisp white linen shirt and a pair of brown suede loafers. Why do I have such vivid recollection about all that he was wearing? This has got to do with the very fact about how we got introduced. As he walked into the living room, the hostess introduced us and as we exchanged the customary "hello" Adonis looked at me and then pointed towards our hostess of the evening and said, "She is the one I am responsible for all the rumors. I got her pregnant!".
He was so casual about it. I didn't know how should I have reacted. It was too much a blonde moment for me. The girl (our hostess) gave him a very angry glare and walked away. The next few minutes seemed unending and the silence would have killed us if only Adonis had not broken it with his smoothness. Yes we all had heard about this issue. But till that moment I did not know it was him.
I left the thought there forever, until now when I started to write about it.
I have been a quiet kind of woman always. Only the closet ones know me - how ruthless, brash, intimidating and insane I am capable of being.
Adonis had always thought me to be quiet, aloof and cold. I never had a problem with it.
And all this while I have come across women of all ages and sizes dying to be with him - in a long term or short. It did not matter to them as long as they were together for a while. I have seen him or have heard about it or he has admitted about it all. Too many women he has had in his life.
A true blue Casanova, smooth talker, charmer, highly intelligent with equally good looks and manners coming as an added bonus like an icing on a cake, an extra topping of vanilla ice-cream with cold coffee, the extra mayonnaise and cheese in your king sized burger.
A pure boyfriend material... a lover any woman would love to have...
So on a warm late evening when Adonis calls me out of the blue I was rather surprised.
"Are you deaf?", is exactly what he said.
"I didn't hear the phone ring", I replied.
"Yes", I replied.
"I am seeing you in the next seventeen minutes", and he hung up.
So there he was knocking on my door. Was it after seventeen minutes? I do not recall that. Nor did I keep a count of it,
It was good to see him. We met once briefly a few months ago at a very social gathering. And yes, he did drop me home that night. Prior to that he dropped me home one more time, but much earlier, when we were say ten years younger.
We spoke for a long time, one on one, face to face, frank to the point of being brutal.
"You are not what you are", he said.
I raised my eyebrows, "Is that bad?"
"Bad is the new good. I am beginning to like it", he said squinting his left eye.
There was nothing on my part to be amused or surprised or be floored. Afterall it was the Casanova speaking. He must have used these lines on too many women too many times, I thought to myself.
Surprisingly the time we spent together, the long conversation we had was so meaningful. Adonis on his part opened up to me as a friend. He shared his thoughts, his fears and insecurities. He was not that bad... just that he rubs people the wrong way with his attitude and talks.
And then it was time to call it a day.
To sum things up, he put it very beautifully, "Isis, do you really think I am a womanizer?"
Nodding my head in agreement, I said, "I don't have a problem with you being one. Why are you asking me this now? At this hour?"
"To hit on a woman for a casual fling is one thing. But to have a decent conversation forgetting how time went by, to let out my fears to a woman is very rare. Its not always about sex Isis. I did not have this in mind when I called you and said I wanted to see you tonight."
He looked into me deeply, smiled and continued, "There were times and instances when I was tempted hugely. The two occasions when I dropped you home. How badly I wanted you to tell me to step inside for one drink. And you being icy cold never did say it."
I couldn't help but laugh, which I think was rude but you see, the kind of circumstances I got introduced with him, it left no room for doubts!
As he got ready to leave, checking his pockets for one final time for his car keys, cell phone, lighter and cigarettes, he held my face with both his hands very firmly, looked straight into me and kissed me on my forehead.
Much later, deep in the night, the phone beeped. It was Adonis. "Can I call you?"
"Sure you can", said Isis.
They spoke for another good forty five minutes. This is how good as it gets.
But there are things Isis must tell him.
Adonis does not know that Isis finds him irresistible. He is too good to be true. He is the kind of man she has always wanted to be with. (Like those hundreds of other women who could do just anything to be with him). She knows well if they meet again, the kiss on the forehead and holding hands would go to another level, a step further. And would she be able to stop him? And would she rather?
For Isis there is too much to lose, too much is at stake. She knows it well, he is not the man for her. He is a smooth talker, he will get his way, work his charms to woo her. He tried it already. But she told him on that evening, that she is not ready... and that it is too early.
As Isis and I sat down with our steaming hot cups of coffee, she tells me all this with so much of genuinity and yet with so much fondness for the man, I couldn't help but wonder, what if I was Isis? Would I behaved the same way?
When there is a whole bunch of women desperately wanting to be with Adonis, here we have one quiet and charming Isis, who admits liking the man yet she decides to let go. Now isn't that beautiful? Isn't that saner? Isn't that the best and simplest way to keep just the friendship alive? For her it was those few hours they spent together talking which would last a lifetime, than being impulsive and give in to the moment.
Isis reminded me of what the Buddha said, "In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you".