Every time I hear this particular word certain events burst across my eyes like a blitzkrieg. I thought there were just two major instances in my life when I cried my heart out and I had no one who’d listen to me without laughing. I guess even now I feel that way or else I wouldn’t be writing these lines in the very first place.
Okay… now being “almost” on the wrong side of thirty when I recall my past days I always thought there were just two major incidents and baby… I was wrong … the third stuck like an arrow when I thought nothing could move me…and to comfort my ego I tell myself off and on that there’s still a child in me which is alive and kicking!
And now I wonder before telling these three tales should I really name them or keep them the way I address them still? The later now seems to suit my sensibilities and here they are:
This happened around twenty years ago. Like any teenager even I had butterflies in my stomach every time I saw him! And I really don’t know for what reasons why I was so attracted to him. He was just an ordinary guy head banging to all the heavy metal stuff I could think of and every meeting and his head banging would make me rush to get the dispirins. But I liked it that way. He belonged to the tall, dark & “not so” handsome types and still I was happy. Things however changed when I told this to my closest friend. Women can never keep secrets… I nod in agreement to it hundred and one percent! I don’t know whether I should appreciate her hard work or hate her guts but the day she went and told him about me, from that instance our relationship s soured. And I was miffed. Suddenly I could feel the distance. I wanted to set things straight but as clumsy as I am luck abandoned me too. To add to my miseries my tall, dark & not so handsome fella, out of the blue met a cousin of mine and all hell broke lose. They set the stage on fire! And he asked my help! Can anybody beat that? I wish I had the nerve to tell him “Slap me damnit!” But in reality I did something more silly & stupid. I cried my heart out. And no… mind you, not in front of him. I felt so lonely. I cried & wept & cried & wept more all alone. I spent many sleepless nights. I’ve felt my heart ache and heaviness that pained me to bits. Though I was amidst a crowd yet I’d be the only lonely one and it took a long time for me to heal my wounds. And I don’t know where he got lost amidst that crowd.
I was just out of school and all ready to attend college. You know how it is to be in a Convent school for twelve odd years. The very thought of going to a co-ed college was superb! And I just waited for that day. But something else happened before that. Between the time after school and joining college I befriended my neighbour. He was my batch, but studied in an all boy’s school. We soon realized that we shared a lot of common friends and interests as well. One thing led to the other and soon we were the unofficial couple in our gang of friends. There was nothing between the two of us yet some amount of attraction was there for sure. Soon college started and though we were in different colleges yet we would make it a point to hang out together. One afternoon when I returned home I saw a chit on my study table. As I unfolded it, it wasn’t too neat actually to be termed as a “love letter”. As I opened the chit I realized it was from him and he scribbled a few lines defining his love for me! And boy! I thanked my lucky stars. All my friends had boyfriends and it would get utterly boring when they went out on dates. I was left alone. So now that I had him as a boyfriend I thought I was in the league of my friends too. A few days later when I visited him I was feeling quite giddy inside. I have been such a tomboy all my life that to behave like a teeny-weeny love struck girl was quite a task. As I walked into his room I saw a lot of friends and he didn’t even pay that “special” and “extra” attention to me. Rather I could sense that he was more than eager to prove his manliness to a skimpily clad girl. I knew something was wrong. So the one chance I think God granted me I called him aside and asked him “what was wrong?” His jaw dropped almost touching the floor. He didn’t have a clue why I was behaving like a nagging wife. So I called him to my place the next day and showed him the chit. As he read that I thought he would bury himself deep underground. He said it was not him who wrote those lovey-dovey lines. And I was equally shocked as him. We had a big argument and he left, leaving me in absolute tears. I felt my heart breaking yet one more time. That pain… that loneliness again crept in me and I buried myself in my shell. The next morning as I walked into my classroom I knew everyone was giving me strange looks… I had huge puffy and swollen eyes. I had cried the whole night. A few days later I solved this puzzle. A cousin of mine who weighed a ton and thousand, smelled like a pig and cribbed always played this crude and dirty game on me and I gave her my piece of mind. But by then my friend had already left hometown and got admitted to a different university and we lost touch.
I met this friend of mine in flesh and blood after a long long time. But the situation in which we met was different. We connect. We communicate even when no words are spoken. And just to see him I was happy. It was a very emotional moment for me. There has been no “attraction”, “crush”, “infatuation” between us, but I think what binds us together is the sheer madness. Our meeting was just for minutes and when he said he’d call me the next day I let go that sentence. I never thought he would actually.
And the next afternoon while having lunch as my phone buzzed I could not believe my eye when I saw his name flashing on the screen and the phone buzzing. Speaking to him has been a pleasure always. We decided to meet the next day. And as he asked I called him to check whether he’d be able to make it. He said he’ll let me know and the whole evening I kept waiting for this one call. And it never came. And again I was hurt, deep down somewhere. I was in a situation where I could not show it openly that I was hurt. I was weeping deep within and the heaviness I felt was as same as I felt when my first ever crush didn’t notice me and wanted me to help him getting fixed with my cousin!
Heartbreak warfare! Sure it was…and at this stage?????
The three men don’t have a clue to all this anyways. But now after all these years I feel so tempted to speak my heart out!
Would that do good? I don’t know nor do I care. Butthey have made me cry big time and they should better be aware of it….